Of all the things you learn from this series of articles, communication is king. Better sex flows naturally through good communication. It is the magical boat that carries you across the abyss of loneliness into the promised land of love and companionship.
It is an extremely heavy and vast topic.
We will focus like a laser so that you will get what you want by communicating in such a way that she gets what she wants (and it seems like it is her idea).
Now, going to the sales strategy...that's right, sales strategy. The idea is to communicate your values in terms of her values.
You see everyone lives by an internal value system. A person's value system is a series of things people use to make a mental list. The list ranges from most important to the least important to them.
Just think of the most important things to you in your life right now. The number one most important thing to the least important thing is the system of values which dictates your every behavior, and what occupies your thoughts.
What dictates your behavior are the things that are important to you, what you can think about all day, and do all day with no extra motivation at all. No one has to kick your butt to get you to do it; you can do it all day because it's important to you.
Things that are not high on your value structure, don't motivate you. One million dollars couldn't motivate you to do it. Yet no one has to tell me to go to the office. I don't wake up and dread the thought of going there. I can't wait. I'm excited to get to work, treat clients, and have a party. And yet, a team of horses could not drive me to mow that lawn. I dislike yard work that much!
Look around your house or your apartment. What is it filled with? My man cave has a computer, fish tanks, and loads of books on various topics. I love to learn. I sometimes have three to four books going at the same time.
Now, for my daughter I have to stand over her to make her read. Yet, she can play her Nintendo for hours.
Sometimes we think people are lazy or worse, because we see them doing (or not doing) what we think is important; and yet they are simply living by their own value system, doing what they think is most important. We all do this.
You see, whenever we impose our values, or project them onto others, we are going against their values. Naturally, we think we are right and they need our help to set them straight.
Have you ever offered advice when it wasn't asked for? What happens is the other person usually shuts down, gets resentful, and doesn't like it. It is the same thing in our relationships with the opposite sex; we have a whole other plan in our head. Ideas about what we think they should be doing, and how to do it. But,it's only important to us.
The mistake is never realizing that they are acting out exactly what's on their list of what's most important to the least important. So there, will be some required skill acquisition on your part, and learning to be truly caring.
Caring, by definition here, means communicating your values (what's important to you) in terms of the other person's values (what's important to the them).
The goal is to impose your values on to somebody else less, so that you are not minimizing their values, while being careful not to minimize your own values in terms of someone else's thinking.
Thinking someone else's values are more important than yours is also incorrect.
Here is an example.
My job requires that I attend continuing education seminars several times a year over long weekends. This usually involves going out of town, staying at hotel, and basically being absent from my family. This stresses my wife out to no end.
We have two beautiful and precocious children that can be a handful if you are by yourself all weekend long.
So,imagine I have a seminar go to. I have to bring up the painful subject, with my wife knowing full well there could be friction. So, what if the night before I go to my wife and say "hey babe I have got to go to Chicago again for the weekend. Have fun with the kids. Here is some pizza money. Give me a high five. Later babe. I'll call you if I can." How do you think she will react to that? Not well! I can tell you that, in fact, I would probably end up on the couch for saying something like that.
That is an example of being careless. As an example being caring and communicating my values in terms of hers, it would go something like this: two weeks before, on a date night, after the meal, the second glass of wine has been poured, I reach over gently touch her hand, look into her eyes, and say "sweetheart, it's that time again. I have already called grandma and she's going to take the kids for the weekend in two weeks. And I thought you and I could go to Chicago. I want to send you on the shopping spree of your life. I have some business during the day. But, I thought you could shop in all the nice shops downtown, and maybe get Thai food at your favorite restaurant there.
And, then we can meet up for cocktails at the five-star hotel lobby we will be staying at, and maybe we could schedule some massages, take a walk in the moonlight, go to the hot tub and open a bottle of wine, we could cuddle in front of the fireplace in our master suite, order room service the next morning for breakfast, and then go shopping again at all your favorite places on the magnificent mile.
Do you think you could schedule the time? I know you're busy, and you don't have to go. I thought you may like to, if that's okay with you?" Of course, she responds emphatically "Absolutely! That sounds wonderful!" It is a totally different outcome when communicating my values in terms of hers and being caring. She gives me the freedom to live the life that I want, as long as I provide the life she wants.
Because, you see, giving my wife the things that are high in her value system (shopping, eating in the beautiful restaurants, loving nonsexual touches, and romance) will no doubt culminate with passionate lovemaking come Sunday night, I can assure you.
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